The relationship rule

by **hapl82oo9_force** Wed Jul 15, 2009 12:41 am

THE RELATIONSHIP RULE

''Dont you ever speak to me like that! Do you hear me? I won't stand for any chutzpah in tha house!''

We parents are funny group.We often expect our childre to be more mature than we are.We want them to remain calm and polite even when they're felling frustrated.We expectthem (and rightly so) to speak respectfully even when the'yre upset.And yet ,so often,we ourselves lose control.We speak too loudly.We say insulting things.Even if we justify our actions ("he deserve much worse than that--- I was holding myself back''), we know in our hearts that there is no excuse for our own rudeness.Infact, we were on the receiving end of someone else verbal abuse,it becomes obvious that excuses are irrelevant.One the words are out the damage is done.

THE RELATIONSHIP RULE;

The relationship rule states:''I only , and i only accept respectfull communication.I do not give, nor do i accept, disrespectfull communication'' (or, to put it more bluntly:'' I do not give,nor do I accept any from abuse'').The relationship rule refers to both verbal and nonverbal communication. People who want to teach this rule to their kids (and spouses) need to be able to follow it.They need to be able to convey:

*I DONT ROLL MY EYEBALLS AT YOU; PLEASE DONT ROLL YOUR EYEBALLS AT ME.''

*I DONT SHOUT AT YOU; PLEASE DONT SHOUT AT ME.''

*I DONT HANG UP ON YOU; PLEASE DONT HANG UP ON ME.''

*I DONT CALL YOUR NAME;PLEASE DONT CALL ME NAMES.''

*I DONT MOCK YOU; PLEASE DONT MOCK ME.''

In other words,those who wish to set healthy boundaries using the relationship rule (''nor do accept distrespectfull communication'') Will only be able to do so if they follow the first part of that rule ('' I only give respectfull communication'')

HEALTHY,HAPPY AND WHOLE

The relationship rule leaves every member of the family intact, protecting our most preciuos commodity: love it does so by ensuring that we always maintain our dignity while communicating ( we dont lower ourselves to a crude, rude level of behavior ), we protect our dignity while receiving communication ( by refusing to allow others to show disrespect toward us ), and we respect the dignity of each person we are addressing.

By following the relationship rule, we teach others how to treat us well.This protcts them as well as us because by setting this boundary, we ensured that they'll continue to be likeable and loveable.In other words ,we'll be able to likeand love them because they are nice.On the other hand,if we allow others to hurt or diminish us, we harm our relationship with them; we allow them to become unlikeable and unloveable.In the case of children, this is particularly dangerous not only because they need us to like and love them, but because they are being allowed to practice the kind of behavior that may lead others to dislike them as well.For intance,a child who is allowed to be rude to this parents for twenty development years will be all to like to be rude to his wife when hes stressed by the normal challenges of marriage.His well-entrenched habit of verbal abuse may cost him dearly throughout his life. His parents do him no favor by allowing him to practice hurtful bahaviors.

Enforcing the rule;

The more closely we can follow the relationship rule,the happier well be.Therefore, it will be worth the trouble to train our brain and yhe brains of our family members to be able to folow it.

We can train our own brain by setting a negative consequence for ourselves-any annoying punishment will be sufficient to interrupt the neutral pathway that runs our rudeness program.Was i sarcastic just them? I'll make myself write out a page of lines.Did i raise my voice or bark or snap? Lines,lines and more lines.After the first week,the cost will go up to two pages per offense.The third week,it will be three.If i really make myself do it,all my rudeness will be gone within a week or two.If i dont,I (and my family) will probably have to live with it for a liftime.

Training the brains of family members is equally simple.Work out an agreement with your spouse about what should happen when one of yoou has shown disrespect.With the kids, set out consequence as you've done for yourself.You might want to first give them a couple of weeks of practice that are consequence-free.During this learning period ,simply name the disrespect.Let them know that the consequence will start on a particular date.

THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT .ENJOY YOUR PEACEFUL,LOVING HOME!!!

BY: SARAH CHANA RADCLIFF, M.ED PSYCH.ASSC

by **sn0w_queen529_force** Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:05 pm

thank u cz hap 4 sharng.

by **unfeigned_force** Fri Jul 17, 2009 9:15 pm

first and for most its the mothers look out on how the childrens are behaving. mothers should always see to it that she makes them feel the mothrrly care and love.she should always be a good example to the children. and the mother shouldnt have to have a favoritism ,she should be fair in treating the kids.a mother must be not only a mother bt a friend even a best friend of her kids.she should open the door of friendship for them t o feel comfortable . the mothershould always tell the father everything that happened in the house during the fathers absence.

AS PARENTS WE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO OUR CHILDREN!!

THANX GA HAP THAT IS VERY INFORMATIVE AND USEFUL TIPS.KEEP IT UP!